A somewhat sleepless night tonight. Remembering past memories, memories which used to bring me joy, then a lot of sadness. Now I kind of don't know how to react to them all. It's suffocating, it is. To believe in something only to be shot at every time you believe it. Pretty soon, it becomes almost too hard to believe at all.

Finally got around to see a movie the counselor recommended me seeing (yeah, movie). Good Will Hunting. I liked it. I kind of gleaned a lot from it. I kind of felt like Will through most of the entire movie (I don't act out a lot like he did, but in high school and middle school I was a pretty decent troublemaker, lol). What it all comes down to is, after talking and watching the movie, I think I have a chronic fear of being abandoned. Perhaps that's why I just can't seem to let go of past events, people, things, etc. But it's weird. I mean, people I knew very well and considered them friends died this year. But I could barely make out a tear. But when a good friend threatened to sever ties with me, I was a wreck. I guess it's like this: see, as a kid, I was pretty much beat relentlessly. It wasn't fun, but it left me with a common symptom many people in that situation desire (I read a little too, lol). The desire for someone to be there for them - almost like a parent, but not really, because the parents the child had really didn't treat him or her well. So what happens typically, so I'm told and reflected upon, these people tend to find other people, friends, relationships, etc. and will try to push that person close to their limit, to test them, almost as if they're saying "how much can you stand me? I care for you, but I don't believe you when you say you care". It's not their fault - they've never really known what care is. Once they eventually break, it only adds more fuel to the fire; the person then affirms the conclusion they've drawn, though it doesn't make them feel better. It makes them feel worse. To these types of people, many can end up getting sick mentally, isolate themselves from the world, or even kill themselves, believing they aren't fit for the world.

I'm slowly seeing the light. Why I act the way I do, why I did what I did even in hindsight it seemed so stupid. It kind of makes sense, but not totally. And it's a shame one had to lose so much to gain an understanding of it. But, it's not so much the losing, actually, it was the fact that my father had a nervous breakdown about three months ago which helped me to finally try to figure these things out. Don't get me wrong - I'm petrified of my father typically. I can't explain it, but I can pretty much stare down anyone and everyone but that person. The latter which I don't even try. It's like a "lose by default" mentality. Now, I do fight with that person, and can hold my own, but with the greatest amount of hesitation one can give. But seeing *that person*'s weakness exploited helped me to not immediately give up. I'm glad that person did have a nervous breakdown, so I could finally see things better along those lines. Is it wrong to feel glad about that?

You don't know how frustrating and at the same time terrifying it is to suddenly understand that. All the great relationships I ruined, all the friends I once held dear I pushed away because I was so afraid they'd leave me I had to give them reasons so they'd get so sick of me they'd want to leave. If I could take back one thing in my life, it would be how I acted specifically to one person. I didn't know what was going on with me, but alas, I can't change the past. I just wish for one chance. Wished. I don't know if I can wish for chances anymore, lol.

I decided to try to think about ways to remove the isolationistic ideals I've adopted over the past year. That, and the idea of being unfit for the world. I really do feel the last bit is true from time to time, only because I can't seem to keep anyone close to my life. I always seem to hurt those I care for the most - emotionally, not physically. *That's* really hard to take. Perhaps I'm too hard on myself, and yeah, I don't think I'm an evil person. I know I'm not. Just a bit confused, I guess. Confused and, well, hurt. Now to un-confuse myself, I guess, lol.


Anyway, come hell or high-water, I'm going to draw again. I'm tired of saying I used to draw - I don't care if it takes me all week and my hands are stabbed with xacto knives, lol. I'm going to draw again. And it will be fun, or else. (j/k)